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If I Had Legs I'd Kick You

If I Had Legs I'd Kick You

Drama · 2025

With her life crashing down around her, Linda attempts to navigate her child's mysterious illness, her absent husband, a missing person, and an increasingly hostile relationship with her therapist.

Movie details

If I Had Legs I'd Kick You

“Everything is under control.”

2025 Drama 1h 53m

Critical arithmetic

One number, for now.

TMDB

6.3 / 10

Community rating

With her life crashing down around her, Linda attempts to navigate her child's mysterious illness, her absent husband, a missing person, and an increasingly hostile relationship with her therapist.

CriticWise case file

What this film says about your taste.

Not a recommendation score. A measure of how closely the film’s taste signals resemble yours.

The archetype split

Who fights over If I Had Legs I'd Kick You?

The split comes from the same five-axis model used by the test, not audience ratings or review sentiment.

Taste neighbourhood

Nearby on the taste map.

TMDB supplies the candidates. CriticWise reorders them by craft, strangeness, prestige, emotion, and pace.

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In a suburban landscape, the lives of several families interlace with loss, despair and personal crisis. Esther Gold has lost focus on all but caring for her comatose son, Paul, and neglects her daughter and husband. Lawyer Jim Train is devoted to his career, not his family. Helen Christianson wants to find a new spark in life, while Annette Jennings tries to rebuild hers.

Goodbye June

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Four siblings' lives change drastically when their ailing mother takes a turn for the worse over the holiday season.

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Drama · 2025

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Madeline's Madeline

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Drama · 2018

Madeline has become an integral part of a prestigious physical theater troupe. When the workshop's ambitious director pushes the teenager to weave her rich interior world and troubled history with her mother into their collective art, the lines between performance and reality begin to blur. The resulting battle between imagination and appropriation rips out of the rehearsal space and through all three women's lives.

Where it lives

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Names above the title

The people responsible.

Directed by

Mary Bronstein

Written by

Mary Bronstein

Rose Byrne

Rose Byrne

Linda

Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien

Therapist

A$AP Rocky

A$AP Rocky

James

Danielle Macdonald

Danielle Macdonald

Caroline

Delaney Quinn

Delaney Quinn

Child

Mary Bronstein

Mary Bronstein

Dr. Spring

Ivy Wolk

Ivy Wolk

Diana

Court is in session

Put If I Had Legs I'd Kick You on trial.

Two incompatible taste archetypes. One film. Read the arguments, then issue a completely binding cultural ruling.

The defence The Prestige Tourist

“Sincerity is not manipulation.”

The film risks embarrassment to make emotion communal, and that openness is harder than fashionable detachment.

The prosecution The Adrenaline Seeker

“The strings are showing.”

Every cue tells you exactly what to feel and when, leaving sentiment to do the work character should have done.